i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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