I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
