Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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