im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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