I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
