Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
