Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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