Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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