I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
