My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
