You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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