mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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