Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
