You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
