Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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