Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
