Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize