Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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