If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
