he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
