Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize