Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
