I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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