All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
