Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
the liver wants what the liver wants
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
