I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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