I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
