Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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