I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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