this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
