so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
