I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
