I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
