just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
