Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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