Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
