did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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