the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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