It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
