my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
