Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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