I'm going to jail i love you
oh god the rape fog is back!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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