new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
