his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
