Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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