i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
false alarm. still invincible.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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