"it" just moved
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
