I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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