Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Come share oat with me in your robe
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
