You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
