theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
