So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
