We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
