if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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