Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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