Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
