So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
