i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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