i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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