Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
