I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
someone owes me an orgasm
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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